I am dependent.  Dependent on a God I cannot see, but who shows himself to me in a million little ways.  And so, when I started thinking about a word that I might focus on throughout the New Year, a word that encompasses the areas of my life that I feel the need to work on, I was reminded of all the ways that God has loved on me when I finally sat at his feet in surrender.  The really really big and the seemingly small, but not unnoticed  ways.  The big things hold stories all of their own, stories that are too long for this post;  however, the small things are those to which I bring my attention more recently.

For instance, in the aftermath of the holidays in my household, I just felt mean.  Plain mean.  My boy and girl, bless their hearts, were just being kids with an extra helping of intensity, but their behaviors just really started getting to me.  If I were in a contest where giving “the look” and throwing-out words of sarcasm were being rewarded, I  surely would have won.  I am, in no way, proud of this tendency of mine when I am a mama worn-thin.  This stubborn streak.  A reminder of my humanity.  A reminder of a mama in need of God’s strength when hers runs dry.  At the same time, if I don’t find myself down on my knees begging for a clean heart every so often, I might be convinced that I can do it all on my own.  A lie that almost always leads to discontent and despair.

All that said, I have done a fair amount of soul-searching and stepping out into the unknown over the past several years with my writing and art.  If I had to describe this journey, I’d say it has been a bit like riding a roller coaster.  Peaks, valleys, fear, and excitement all rolled into one glorious ride.  And while I’m not wanting to step-off the roller coaster all together, I find myself needing to establish more balance along the way.  Along with my stubbornness, I also become distracted easily.  Being a stay-at-home mama who gets to make her own schedule is a gift.  A gift that my husband has afforded me and one that I do not take for granted.  So, when I sit at the end of a day or week and wonder why I haven’t made time for art or why the house is so dirty, I have to consider how I am using these gifts that I have so generously been given .

For the most part, if I am committed, I really do have enough time to do what needs to be done on a daily basis.    But here’s where my humanity kicks-in again.  I sit-down to check my e-mail which then leads me to check Facebook and from there, I go off on some tangent watching a You Tube video that someone posted.  Before I know it, I have allowed what could have been a 5-10 minute check-in to steal an hour away from the time I could have been finishing a few chores and enjoying a long stretch of creating in one form or another.  I am totally aware of this tendency and yet I still fall prey over and over again.

So, this year, my focus word is “steward.”  I want to be a better steward of my time and talents.  Just because I like to have all my bases covered, I did order a copy of Julie Morgenstern’s book Time Management from the Inside Out. I imagine that a lot of what I will read is already inside me;  however, I sometimes need to be reminded of what I know.  Past that, I am counting on God to help me surrender my time and talents to His plan each day.  I am dependent.  Beautifully dependent on a God who created me to live for his glory!