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“God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow in them. “
(Dream catcher made with vintage linens)
The dream was always running ahead of me.
To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it,
that was the miracle.
-Anais Nin
I while back, I left you with the beginning of Ben’s Dream. A process of expressing my emotions regarding this whole autism journey that Ben and I have been traveling together over the past 10 years. Following my intuition, I scrawled words across the canvas, brushed sad, angry, hopeful strokes over top of my words, printed, stenciled, and collaged my way through these beginning phases. Slowly, I started to see all of these marks begin to dance together in a sort of joyful, healing release.
With my ultimate goal being to capture a dream that my boy shared with me one morning several years ago, I knew that while that beginning phase would provide the underlying structure for this piece, Ben’s Dream, I would eventually need to paint over top of it in order to achieve a more unified background. So, after enjoying the first dance for a few weeks, I decided it was time to move-on to “phase II” of Ben’s Dream. I did not want to paint over all that richness. At the same time, I have come to trust the process and believed that the movement and emotion that lie beneath the next layers would emerge again, in its own time.
It was really hard to sit with a background that seemed “less than” at the time. I could hardly wait to add more layers in my next session!
Those hills and sky are dancing, once again…Soon, they will be singing with the final layers of Ben’s Dream! Here is a little peek of what will be going into those layers – Ben’s houses.
As I enter these final phases of Ben’s Dream I, too, am starting to dream along with him. How can I support my boy’s real life dreams? Perhaps his and mine might dance together…
My boy quietly slips into bed next to me one morning and snuggles-up close by my side. With tears in his eyes, he whispers in my ear, “I need to tell you about a dream that I had, Mommy…” As this sweet boy describes the scene in his dream, I can’t help but hold back my own tears. It is so beautiful!
That morning, I tucked my boy’s dream inside my heart and have carried it with me ever since, as it so aptly captures the autism journey that we have traveled together. Having faced the hard work of healing my own heart over the past year, I decided it is now time to make Ben’s dream come alive on the canvas. So, here begins the journey…
Facing a white canvas, with Ben’s vision in my head, I so badly want to get straight to the fun part where everything comes together; BUT, my soul really needs to wander. As I am learning so well, listening to my soul is always the best place to start.
I have one precious hour to work before picking-up my boy and girl from summer school. Just enough time to allow my soul to meander around the canvas with those simple painted words and brush strokes.
During the next session, I apply the working process learned from Kelly Rae Roberts’ online “Hello Soul!” mixed-media course. The rhythm of alternating between paint and collage is both relaxing and therapeutic for me. Just following my urges without worrying about an end product. Pure bliss!
When it is time to stop, I feel anxious about having to leave a particularly muddy area in it’s “ugly” state. Suddenly, I realize that my painting is right where it needs to be. Healing takes time! “It is okay to sit with your bruised heart. Give it time to heal.” I write those words right on my canvas with a black Sharpie and walk away for the day.
A few days later, I return to the canvas with more clarity. All those awkward, ugly marks? They are a part of my journey. In order to move forward, I must acknowledge the hard and the messy before I can turn them into something beautiful. Those colors. That texture. Those bits and pieces of collage. They are all learning to dance together now. In time, they will serve as the background for a lovely vision: Ben’s Dream.
“As you go through this day, look for tiny treasures strategically placed along the way. I (God) go before you and plant little pleasures to brighten your day. Look carefully for them, and pluck them one by one. When you reach the end of the day, you will have gathered a lovely bouquet. Offer it up to Me with a grateful heart.”
Sarah Young, Jesus Calling
May I always remember the practice of gratefully plucking treasures throughout my day!
The Blue Mug 
