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I started this painting back in November as a part of an online course called Paint Mojo taught by artist Tracy Verdugo. It sat on the art room easel in its crazy, unfinished state until last month. April. You might say that I lost my mojo for a little while there, but in reality, I just couldn’t finish everything on my plate at the same time. During those months in between November and April, I found myself preparing for an Open House right before Christmas and then jumped headfirst into finishing my “Ben’s Dream” piece just in time for an Autism Awareness exhibit in April. All the while, this big canvas brimming with bright colors and symbols winked at me in the corner of my art room. A reminder that I am always a work in progress.
I am convinced that God called me to start creating art several years ago, the year my girl started kindergarten, as a means of helping me practice the real art of surrendering my life to Him on a daily basis. To loosen my grip on the steering wheel and trust the process. My whole art journey has been a series of surrender. Surrendering my old insecurities and ways of thinking. Surrendering to the grief I never allowed myself to feel at the beginning of our boy’s autism journey. And surrendering to the idea that I can be an artist even though my college degrees are in education.
Art has become my metaphor for living life. With each painting, I start with a vague idea or vision and very often do not know how I am going to get there. I just have to start. I paint a big swoosh across the canvas. Or pick-up a piece of collage paper that calls to me and glue it down. Nothing monumental. I just have to do something. Before I know it, that big swoosh is followed by few more swooshes in different colors. I fall into a rhythm. Swoosh. Tear. Glue. Swirl. Ahh. This is how God wants me to start living. Take a step. And another step. You don’t need to know all the answers right now.
Before I know it, a certain energy takes over and LOTS of movement is happening. Almost always, though, I arrive at a certain point in my work, stand back, and think, “But where am I going? What IS my next step?” My heart pounds a little harder and I question my ability to make something out of all the chaos staring back at me. This. This is when I pray. God move through my hands. Guide them in the direction they need to go. Awkwardly, I might sketch-out an image in my mind. Many times, I fumble, frustrated over lines on the paper that do not match my vision. I will myself not to give-up. Something beautiful is waiting to come to fruition. Art is about capturing a feeling, not perfection. And so is life.
Sometimes, I just need to take a break. I sit on the deck with a good book. I scroll through Facebook. (Because creating can feel isolating at times!) I roam around a boutique that inspires me. Or just work on a project that is more structured. I need to refuel in order to persevere through the more trying stages of creating. And when I return to the canvas, I am able to bring a fresh perspective along with me.
When I do return, the vision that needs to be brought to life starts to reveal itself as the images connect on the canvas. A crazy line or paint dot becomes a bird’s beak. The splotch of blue ink that I thought was a mistake peeks through the background adding just the right effect. Nothing is wasted. I fly free in the knowledge that I can trust the process, both in my art and in life.
Last year, I spelled out the word “Steward” with our Scrabble letters and set them upon my kitchen windowsill to guide my intentions throughout 2014. When I chose the word “steward” as my focus, I remember thinking that I really needed to be a better steward of my time at home, as I had lots of aspirations for my creative business, but often became derailed too easily. This was the year that I would not allow things like Facebook and internet surfing to steal precious time. I would set business hours and art hours and stick to them! I even bought Julie Morgenstern’s book, Time Management from the Inside Out, to give myself an added boost.
By mid-January; however, it did not take me long to realize that God had a different vision of what it meant for me to be a good steward of my time last year. The power struggles between my girl and me had reached an all-time high and I was failing miserably at being the calm, loving mom that she needed me to be. The anger I felt inside felt a little scary some days and I knew it was time to ask for help. My time this past year was meant to be spent in healing.
I spent a good 4-5 months working with a counselor, just healing my spirit. Allowing myself to grieve parts of my life journey, my boy’s autism diagnosis, and my girl’s unique struggles. As I released the trapped feelings from my brain, their physical grip on my heart loosened, as well. With a new found sense of calm, I was then able to move on to other aspects of our current situation that needed attention.
As a preschooler, my girl had been diagnosed with sensory processing difficulties, an anxiety disorder and ADHD. I often describe all these diagnosis as the “leftovers” of autism. While we sought interventions for my girl when these things first became apparent, the symptoms lessened over time and I guess I just pushed those very real struggles to the back of my mind, as we were still heavily in the throes of addressing my boy’s autism. That said, it was now time to better understand and address my girl’s needs.
So, my husband and I began meeting with a counselor together to hone our parenting skills. While we share a number of strengths in our marriage, we also made the realization that we needed to communicate and be more assertive about our own individual needs. We both felt like “martyrs” for our family, working somewhat independently to survive. Recognizing the importance of validating and supporting each other so that we can function better as a unit has been big for us. And, as you can guess, a happier, calmer Mom and Dad sets the tone for a more loving, peaceful household. Apart from our counseling, my girl is now receiving occupational therapy each week to address her sensory needs and we are in the process of completing some educational evaluations to see if there are any other areas that we might be missing. Lots of hard work going-on here!
As our family continues to heal and move forward together, I have decided that my word for this year is going to be “Trust.” Trust the process. Trust that life will reveal itself and unfold just as it supposed to. And while I keep dreaming and setting goals for myself, I will hold these things loosely, allowing God to gently guide my path. He’s got this. I just need to trust Him.
If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My Presence. -Sarah Young, Jesus Calling
The Blue Mug 