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If you can imagine one of those desert movie scenes where the main character is all haggard-looking, stumbling in search of water, that is pretty much me. All. Summer. Long.
Towards the end of fifth grade, my boy’s anxiety seems to build ferociously, likely due to the anticipation of starting middle school this fall. “Easy” transitions are a rare phenomenon in the world of autism and this is going to be no joke. Plagued with the obsessive need to pick at the skin on his fingers and feet, my boy spends most of the summer pitifully trying to care for his self-inflicted wounds, smothering them with Vaseline, putting on Bandaids, lifting the Bandaids to see if everything is “okay” and replacing those that are about to fall-off. All day. Every day. Crying, whining, excessive fast-paced talking and pleading for reassurance. “I am so tired of suffering!” my boy laments. “I wish I could be in someone else’s body!” My boy suffers. Our family suffers.
This is not the first time along our 12-year journey that autism strips me of my calm composure, leaving my nerves raw and exposed. Angry and exhausted, I steal away to our bedroom closet, slump against the mirror and sob, cursing, and shaking my fist at God. Why are you allowing this to continue? Where are you?! I can’t take it anymore! The storm inside me subsides temporarily. I breathe. I ask God to pray for me because I am just too tired to think. I open the door, quietly descend the stairs and pick-up where we left-off.
Later in the summer, I glance at the dried-up stream bed beside the path I walk on a rare morning alone. That stream is just like my soul. All dried-up. I smile to myself as the Bible story comes to mind where Jesus tells the Samaritan woman sitting at the well that she needs to ask for Living Water. Water for the soul. “Give me Living Water,” I pray. And God offers me small drinks of water, just to get me through until the end of summer. Until I can breathe again.
An unsuspecting friend asks about my summer and before I can say much of anything, tears stream down my face and she puts her arms around me while I quietly let out a few sobs. “How can I help?” she asks. “Just do what you are doing, ” I tell her. “Sit here with me and listen.” She shares my pain. My mother-in-law spends time alone with my girl, allowing her to enjoy a few hours away from the tension in our household. My parents bravely take both my girl and boy for a weekend at their house on the farm while my husband and I enjoy a quiet house by ourselves.
These desert seasons have taught me that we are not meant to live life solely on our own strength. There are times when we have to admit our own thirst so that others can provide Living Water for us. Sometimes just enough to keep us going until we can reach a long stretch of fresh flowing water. For me, that life-giving stream comes in the form of a new school year. I will take this time to breathe in quiet. To listen and give my soul what it needs. And then with a quenched spirit, I will offer a cup of water to the next thirsty soul.
With both hands, I cup the body of Mama Bird with her cracked, broken wings, and apply gentle pressure. Kneading and smoothing. Adding and taking away. These wings, each lovingly shaped and adorned with small flowers, sat for a few weeks too long, wrapped in wet rags and sitting in a black garbage bag. When I finally get around to attaching them to Mama Bird’s body, the wings have started to dry and crack into pieces as I lift them from their solitary perches. Wings left unused become frail and brittle.
Sensing the panic welling up inside me, my art teacher declares, “You need to pop those suckers on soon and work from there! There’s no way to do it gently.” It is the end of class, so I pack-up the pieces and parts of my bird, once again, in wet rags and lug them home with me so that I can do some emergency repair work. When I unwrap the clay that next morning, I feel a sense of reverence. I aim to make this bird whole again. I can’t help but think, as I hold these broken wings in my hands, that this must be how God feels when He cradles our broken spirits.
The molding process? It can hurt and it might last longer than we would like. In the case of Mama Bird, with some work, I am able to put her back together, all in one piece, but her transformation is still not over. We have glazing issues, where for some odd reason, the “feather white” glaze that I have so carefully chosen, chips-off in tiny pieces when we remove her from the kiln. Even with repeated glazing and firing at higher temperatures, Mama Bird’s glaze continues to flake-off in places. For some reason, though, I am okay with it. Her “shabby chic” exterior speaks to me. The bare clay peeking through is evidence of Mama Bird’s journey. Scars of a warrior.
Early on, I had decided to keep the hole open in Mama Bird’s chest where I hollowed her for firing.
I imagine a huge spray of colorful flowers flowing from that hollow, spilling forth with beauty. The tiny little flowers that I fashioned from vintage fabric and wire sit patiently in a block of green foam while Mama Bird undergoes her many transformations. Now it is time to fill that hollow space. After playing with flower arrangements and securing the wires with a final dose of resin, I step back from Mama Bird and take a look. There is still something missing. This mama bird is a warrior. She needs a crown.
To all my fellow warrior mamas out there, I want you to know that it is never too late to repair your wings. We make mistakes. We suffer losses and heartaches. We may even feel so broken that we cannot fly again. But God, the Master Artist? He specializes in crafting beauty from our brokenness.
Just in case you didn’t know, I am a quiet person. This fact was first brought to my attention when I entered first grade. David Petry backed me into a corner of the classroom where he towered over me with his puffy blonde hair, pointed his finger in my face and asked, “Don’t you ever talk?!” Up until then, I had not defined myself as “quiet.” My earliest years spent climbing trees, hiking through fields, and gathering clay from the riverbanks of Nelson County, I felt perfectly at home with myself. That is, until we moved to suburbia during the summer before first grade.
First grade was a real eye-opener for me. Not having attended kindergarten prior to starting school, I had a lot to learn. How to read, how to write (other than my first name), and how to make new friends. Fortunately, an outgoing little blonde girl named Susan asked if I wanted to be her friend at recess on the first day of school and we stayed pretty tight all through elementary school. Riding our bikes to each other’s house, playing in the woods, and creating haunted houses in the upstairs’ bonus room over her parents’ garage. At school, I remained fairly quiet and learned that teachers tend to like quiet kids, even earning the endearing nickname, “Lamby-Pie,” from my second grade teacher, Ms. Stout. Unintentionally, I was well on the road to becoming a people pleaser. It felt safe and comfortable at the time.
I continued-on into middle school and high school where I developed a nice group of girlfriends, all pretty quiet-natured, like me. I loved my girlfriends and the fun we had together. At the same time, I carried around this nagging voice in my head that told me I was too quiet and shy. Everyone around me seemed to be more confident. More fun. In my eyes, quiet equaled boring. It took a LOT of energy for me to put myself out there. And while I was known for being a kind, friendly person, I mainly focused on the quiet part. The part of me that I did not want to own.
As a young adult and into adulthood, I began to feel stuck inside a box. A box that I named “QUIET.” My spirit longed to bust out of that box and make itself authentically known. I wasn’t even sure what it would look like if I busted-out. Would it be loud and crazy? Cursing and saying whatever it felt like? I hated the incongruency between what others saw from the outside (calm and peaceful) and what I actually felt on the inside (anxious and irritable). I wanted this peace but without the cost of smothering my soul.
When my boy and girl started back to school one fall, I wandered into a free creative parenting class thinking that I would pick-up a few fun tips and wound-up embarking on a five-year journey during which, one by one, I ripped-down the walls that were squeezing the life out of me. And you know what? I didn’t go crazy or run naked through the streets! After doing the hard work of acknowledging my old stories and negative ways of seeing myself, I learned to sit with the uncomfortable feelings and then gently (and sometimes not so gently) release them through my art. It is a beautiful thing, really.
For me, the final leg of this journey has meant embracing my quiet self. After all those years of rejecting a huge chunk of my being, I am wrapping my arms around my gentle spirit and curling-up in its softness and warmth. And, that free-spirited 5-year old little girl who loved to commune with nature? She is still inside me and always has been. She might be quiet, but she is also joyful. She is strong and compassionate. She provides a sanctuary for other anxious hearts. And she knows that the quiet nourishes her soul and serves God in the exact way that she is created.
I started this painting back in November as a part of an online course called Paint Mojo taught by artist Tracy Verdugo. It sat on the art room easel in its crazy, unfinished state until last month. April. You might say that I lost my mojo for a little while there, but in reality, I just couldn’t finish everything on my plate at the same time. During those months in between November and April, I found myself preparing for an Open House right before Christmas and then jumped headfirst into finishing my “Ben’s Dream” piece just in time for an Autism Awareness exhibit in April. All the while, this big canvas brimming with bright colors and symbols winked at me in the corner of my art room. A reminder that I am always a work in progress.
I am convinced that God called me to start creating art several years ago, the year my girl started kindergarten, as a means of helping me practice the real art of surrendering my life to Him on a daily basis. To loosen my grip on the steering wheel and trust the process. My whole art journey has been a series of surrender. Surrendering my old insecurities and ways of thinking. Surrendering to the grief I never allowed myself to feel at the beginning of our boy’s autism journey. And surrendering to the idea that I can be an artist even though my college degrees are in education.
Art has become my metaphor for living life. With each painting, I start with a vague idea or vision and very often do not know how I am going to get there. I just have to start. I paint a big swoosh across the canvas. Or pick-up a piece of collage paper that calls to me and glue it down. Nothing monumental. I just have to do something. Before I know it, that big swoosh is followed by few more swooshes in different colors. I fall into a rhythm. Swoosh. Tear. Glue. Swirl. Ahh. This is how God wants me to start living. Take a step. And another step. You don’t need to know all the answers right now.
Before I know it, a certain energy takes over and LOTS of movement is happening. Almost always, though, I arrive at a certain point in my work, stand back, and think, “But where am I going? What IS my next step?” My heart pounds a little harder and I question my ability to make something out of all the chaos staring back at me. This. This is when I pray. God move through my hands. Guide them in the direction they need to go. Awkwardly, I might sketch-out an image in my mind. Many times, I fumble, frustrated over lines on the paper that do not match my vision. I will myself not to give-up. Something beautiful is waiting to come to fruition. Art is about capturing a feeling, not perfection. And so is life.
Sometimes, I just need to take a break. I sit on the deck with a good book. I scroll through Facebook. (Because creating can feel isolating at times!) I roam around a boutique that inspires me. Or just work on a project that is more structured. I need to refuel in order to persevere through the more trying stages of creating. And when I return to the canvas, I am able to bring a fresh perspective along with me.
When I do return, the vision that needs to be brought to life starts to reveal itself as the images connect on the canvas. A crazy line or paint dot becomes a bird’s beak. The splotch of blue ink that I thought was a mistake peeks through the background adding just the right effect. Nothing is wasted. I fly free in the knowledge that I can trust the process, both in my art and in life.
Last year, I spelled out the word “Steward” with our Scrabble letters and set them upon my kitchen windowsill to guide my intentions throughout 2014. When I chose the word “steward” as my focus, I remember thinking that I really needed to be a better steward of my time at home, as I had lots of aspirations for my creative business, but often became derailed too easily. This was the year that I would not allow things like Facebook and internet surfing to steal precious time. I would set business hours and art hours and stick to them! I even bought Julie Morgenstern’s book, Time Management from the Inside Out, to give myself an added boost.
By mid-January; however, it did not take me long to realize that God had a different vision of what it meant for me to be a good steward of my time last year. The power struggles between my girl and me had reached an all-time high and I was failing miserably at being the calm, loving mom that she needed me to be. The anger I felt inside felt a little scary some days and I knew it was time to ask for help. My time this past year was meant to be spent in healing.
I spent a good 4-5 months working with a counselor, just healing my spirit. Allowing myself to grieve parts of my life journey, my boy’s autism diagnosis, and my girl’s unique struggles. As I released the trapped feelings from my brain, their physical grip on my heart loosened, as well. With a new found sense of calm, I was then able to move on to other aspects of our current situation that needed attention.
As a preschooler, my girl had been diagnosed with sensory processing difficulties, an anxiety disorder and ADHD. I often describe all these diagnosis as the “leftovers” of autism. While we sought interventions for my girl when these things first became apparent, the symptoms lessened over time and I guess I just pushed those very real struggles to the back of my mind, as we were still heavily in the throes of addressing my boy’s autism. That said, it was now time to better understand and address my girl’s needs.
So, my husband and I began meeting with a counselor together to hone our parenting skills. While we share a number of strengths in our marriage, we also made the realization that we needed to communicate and be more assertive about our own individual needs. We both felt like “martyrs” for our family, working somewhat independently to survive. Recognizing the importance of validating and supporting each other so that we can function better as a unit has been big for us. And, as you can guess, a happier, calmer Mom and Dad sets the tone for a more loving, peaceful household. Apart from our counseling, my girl is now receiving occupational therapy each week to address her sensory needs and we are in the process of completing some educational evaluations to see if there are any other areas that we might be missing. Lots of hard work going-on here!
As our family continues to heal and move forward together, I have decided that my word for this year is going to be “Trust.” Trust the process. Trust that life will reveal itself and unfold just as it supposed to. And while I keep dreaming and setting goals for myself, I will hold these things loosely, allowing God to gently guide my path. He’s got this. I just need to trust Him.
If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My Presence. -Sarah Young, Jesus Calling
With October and November passing all too quickly, I feel like I am coming home after a long trip as I write here. My head and hands have been working steadily, preparing for my very first Dandelion Studio Open House which took place in my home last Friday. Having had December 5th planted in the back of my mind for weeks, I am enjoying just being in the present now that my deadline has come and gone.
I worried bit last week. I worried that I did not have enough variety to sell. And, as several friends called to express their regrets over not being able to attend, I worried that the turn-out would be small. That all my preparations would be done in vain. I worried about not being a “success.”
I have learned a lot in my 40+ years of living, though, and one of the biggest and hardest lessons learned is that worry is nothing but an energy vampire. That said, I willed myself to focus on what I could control and began the process of surrendering “success” to God. I sat down with my “to do” list and plugged everything that needed to be done before Friday into my planner. Items priced. Bathrooms cleaned. Floors vacuumed. Food prepared. Displays arranged. And when my head hit the pillow each night, I prayed. I prayed that God’s presence might be felt in my home and that each person who walked through our door that Friday evening would feel loved and welcome. Because love always wins. Every. Single. Time.
The turn-out did end-up being smaller than I had hoped; however, it was okay. A steady stream of friends arrived with smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts. And, as our friend, John, began to strum his guitar fireside in the background, I knew that God showed-up, too. With tears in her eyes, one friend gently held a handmade ornament in her hand, saying that it touched her heart when she read the tag, “Love Wins.” In a necklace pendant, another found a talisman of hope to offer a hurting friend. One person felt drawn to a piece of my art only to find-out that it was inspired by her favorite place to stop and meditate in the woods, which happens to be mine, too. Family connections were discovered between my girlfriend’s father and my dad.
As I witnessed these connections being made throughout the evening, I realized that God knew exactly what I needed to take away from this open house. Not big numbers of people or huge amounts of sales, but a true understanding of success. A heart open to God.
(Another little peek of Ben’s Dream.)
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (KJV)
With my boy and girl settling back into the fall school routine, I was all ready to dive-into creating art and taking steps to helping my business grow. And then, life being what it is, the whole family came-down with a cold, the toilet overflowed, and a mysterious blistering rash showed-up on my girl’s elbow, then her face, and later my boy’s butt cheek…Yeah. I know. Gross. Along with several previously scheduled autism-related doctor’s appointments, we threw in a couple of extra trips to the pediatrician to figure-out the rash, and before you know it, two weeks passed and not much art had been made on my end.
Sensing the discouragement, the little “Brain Bully” in my head seized the moment and started whispering things like, “This is why you’ll never reach your dreams! Your family life is just too demanding! Do you really want to put all that energy into something that might not even work out?” To drive the point home, I started an online art class, and immediately felt overwhelmed by the sheer volume of work being shared by my fellow classmates on the group Facebook page…Really, do these people have families?
So, yes, I felt a little anxious, if not a bit cynical. Still, I picked-up my paint brush for a few hours here and there throughout the following week. I crocheted some beads one afternoon while my boy and girl played contentedly outside. I pushed-through a class project that felt foreign to me. Gradually, the momentum that I feared losing started to return. Evidence of things not seen.
I am realizing that creating art and living life are continuous acts of faith. While I carry these visions and dreams that God has placed in my heart, with gentle hands, I must surrender the final outcome and how it will look to God. I find such beauty and relief in knowing that it is not up to me to figure-out how long it will take or exactly how I will get there. All God is asking me to do is to listen to his whispers and keep picking-up that paintbrush. I think I can do that.
Lift your eyes and look to the heavens; Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name.
-Isaiah 40: 26
Dear Precious Child,
I am so glad that you came to spend time with me today. I felt the tears well-up at the corners of your eyes. Tears of relief. That relief of bowing your head before Me, surrendering your burdens, no matter how big or small. You have been trying so hard, lately, to be all that I created you to be. A loving mother. A supportive wife. An inspiring artist. A loyal friend. Because you are human, these tasks can be so tiring over the long haul. This is why I created you to be in relationship with me. I am your Father and I want you to come to Me for rest.
I see you caring for your mind, body and soul. And sometimes, it is hard to keep these three things in balance. You focus on learning to breathe deeply and to be in the present, only to find that your soul yearns to be in more conversation with Me. And then you might swing the other direction, making a point to spend time in quiet prayer each day to realize that your body needs more exercise and better nutrition. All this amongst a myriad of distractions. Social media. Chores. To-do lists. It is truly a constant juggling act!
I want you to know that I appreciate how you are giving this life your best effort. By human standards, you may not be perfect, but you are perfect in my eyes. I created you just as you are, fully aware of your strengths and weaknesses. While your strengths are what you want to show to the world, it is your weaknesses that make you real to those around you. For it is in your weaknesses that my strength is revealed.
I am so proud of you!
Love,
Your Heavenly Father
Soaking in His Presence
(24×36 canvas)
Coming-up next week: the inspiration and process behind this piece!
The Blue Mug 